Why are you sad today? (our very own emo thread)

[mojo shivers]

Not really why I'm sad, but why I was sad in the past, I think. I never really took the time to try to decipher why a certain event hit me the way it did, but then I had to go and watch two stories that brought it home for me.

What would you do if a good friend of yours told you that there was a chance that he or she could develop a degenerative brain disease that could potentially kill him or her? What if he or she told you that he or she did not want to get tested because in the end there wasn't much to be done either way so he or she might as well live his or her life in ignorant bliss? Would you insist they get tested? Or would respect their wishes and carry out their lie?

I broach this subject because two recent stories I've seen, Finding Neverland and Everwood, in a matter of less than 24 hours have both tackled this sensitive subject with a very critical and very satisfying eye. I honestly don't know what I'd do if one of my good friends came up to me and told me that there was a chance she could be dying, but she didn't want to make 100% sure. I don't know if I would think I had the authority to make such decisions for her. After all, isn't it a person's inalienable right to decide for herself what is best for her? And isn't it a person's inherent gift to decide for herself what makes her most happiest? I wouldn't want to take away such a precious commodity away from any one, even if it would make me sad in the process.

I think the best course of action would be to approach the uncertainty and fear connected with the unknown specter of death as if it were nothing more than a coming storm, an approaching wind. We can no more hold back the winds as hold back the onslaught of death. And myself, given the choice of whether I would want to know if I were dying, would probably opt to never know of my condition. I would rather die suddenly, and albeitly painfully, if it meant living my life according to my own rules and my own standards. I don't want to set limits on my life because I know it may aggravate a condition I have. I want to live and die free. I know it may sound pompous and arrogant, but I think I'm above fearing death, at least for right now. I'm above the complexities and the instrospection that fearing death brings with it. I haven't reached that point in my life where the looming scythe of some imaginary reaper is going to dictate what and where I should go. I am incorrigiable and that's how I want to remain.

If one of my friends were to explain to me that she were dying and that she wanted me to help keep her secret from everyone else I think I would be able to maintain that vow. I think I could step up to the challenge and be the kind of friend she needed me to be. Just because it's from a disease doesn't mean I have any say in deciding how she should live her life. I mean--if Jennifer had told me at the beginning of May that she was going to die from some horrible lung ailment I think I could have braved the news. But she didn't. She chose to keep it to herself and I had to find out from her some other of her friends that she was even sick, and fading fast. I think that's why the topic of confidentiality and respecting a friend's wishes rings so true with me. I could have been in that position very easily. I could have been the one that was saddled with this heavy burden, but the person doing the saddling decided I wasn't strong enough to handle the responsibility. And that has always been a point of contention with me. I think I would have been strong enough to handle the news. I think I could have been there for her. It's true we may not have been the closest of friends, but I definitely think I deserved some consideration in being let in on her "secret." I know I sound totally selfish, but I hate thinking she died relatively alone with none of her close friends being told of her condition until it was almost too late. You almost have to tell your family. But with friends it's almost like one last parting gift, allowing them to take care of you.

So, yeah, the idea that somebody could be sick and them not wanting to admit to themselves that they are sick hits a little close to home for me. I have never been in a position to judge what I would do in that situation. But I think I could have been the dutiful guy and made at least one person's last days easier and maybe a bit happier. I just imagine the picture of me sitting beside her bed, holding her hand, reading to her some innocuous little story I wrote. Then I would see her smile and I would know I was there for her. I wouldn't want to be there when she actually died. But even that I think I could have endured rather only being allowed to see her after the fact.

I wanted to be the waiting there for her. I wanted to be the one who she trusted that much. Now I'll never know why she didn't.
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole

[srkirk]

As someone who is currently dealing with a chronic, life-altering (although not life-threatening) illness, I can kind of understand your friend's decision to keep things to herself. I know that it's always been hard for me to tell my friends and family about the severity of my symptoms and setbacks in treatment. Part of it comes from not wanting to burden them, part from not wanting pity, but then another part of it is fear. If you say to someone "I'm sick" they treat you differently. I've lost a lot of friends, it even took friends I still consider myself close to almost a year to pick up the phone and ask after me once they found out what was going on. In any event, one learns pretty quickly that illness is a very lonely state; the only one you can really count on, and can really trust, is yourself. I know that sounds somewhat harsh, but when you're already feeling physically and emotionally vulnerable, it only takes being mistreated or rejected by one or two people to make you pull back from everyone. And maybe that's not fair but people will go to great lengths to protect themselves.

You write about preferring to die painfully than having to live life with limitations, and I think that point of view is the norm in our society. But sometimes life undergoes major changes beyond your control. I never would have believed that at 25 I'd still be living at home with my parents, having finished high school on home tutoring, still two years away from a BA, unable to work or attend school, spending my days writhing in uncontrolable pain, completely housebound. Sometimes the only life you're offered is one with severe limitations placed on it, and making the most of things is the best you can do.

I'm very sorry about your friend and wished I had something more helpful or upbeat to say, but I'm not having a very good day, I'm afraid. But I know she was a very lucky girl to have a friend like you and, whether she had told you about her illness, or not, she knew it too.

Steph

[mojo shivers]

Thanks, Steph. I think I needed to hear that and it certainly helped. I think that's all I wanted from her. I just wanted to hear what she was going through. It's like taking away the option from me doesn't excuse the fact I still feel like I didn't do enough. I have this skulking suspicion that had I known beforehand I could have made it easier for her somehow. Even though I know, probably, in truth that I would have only made things harder for her. It's like I have all this guilt that I didn't do anything while she was wasting away and, sometimes, yes, sometimes, I kind of her resent her for making me feel like this. At least if I'd known I could have given it my best shot to cheer her up, make her smile, make her laugh. But now it feels like I did nothing--I just stood by while a friend of mine was just dying not thirty miles from me. Sometimes it really tears me up inside that all the days I could have been there for her, where I was doing absolutely nothing, were wasted.

As I may have mentioned this is only the second year since she's been gone. And I met her November so this month always messes me up a little bit.

I only wish you have friends that are dear to you, Steph, and at least let them in as much as you can afford. I know things must not be the brightest for you these days, but if they can even help you out a bit I'm sure they'd appreciate being able to help you what little they can. And, please, don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch. There are some true friends out there and they'll step up and show you what true friendship is all about if given the opportunity.

--Patrick
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole

[neverending]

i'd like to thank you for maknig this post. and i hope noone takes that as sarcasm.

yesterday my friend chad passed away of cancer. he was one of my best friends when i was a child. we hung out all the time.. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. he then got cancer in his leg and had to go to sick kids hospital. the chemo didn't work and he had to get his leg amputated. me and him lost touch because he was so depressed all hewould do is stay in his room at his grandparents, and his grandparents hated me, so i never really got to see him. over the summer and after school, i would babysit his cousins and he would always come over and visit. me and him automatically got our bond back and we would hang out while i babysat. over the last couple of weeks of summer they found out that he had cancer again, this time in his lungs. 2 weeks ago they told him he only had about a week to live, and he passed away yesterday.

i'm glad you made this post because i don't feel like i can really express my feelings because im not good at that, and i just dont feel its right because none of my friends knew him. i'd be able to talk to my mom abotu it, but me and her don't talk abotu our "feelings" (unless im pissed off about something at school, if that counts).

so thats why im sad, mainly. i also found out on the weekend that my boyfriend (of like, 2 years) madeout with one of my best friends during the summer. but that's another story.
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"oh no! jabba is going to choose jenny lewis for his wife. R2D2 will destroy him!"


-Emily

[mojo shivers]

I think it's always good to have a place in the forum where one can express the not so sunny side of their days. In the other forum I post to we have an "why are you angry?," "why are you sad?," as well as an "oh so happy" thread.

But, personally, I always find myself gravitating toward the sadness thread because I think sadness permeates a lot of what goes on in a day. I'm glad you find a little solace in this thread. It's always refreshing to get something off your chest that has been bothering you. Believe me, that whole not telling me thing still bothers me today.

I'm sorry for your less. I only wish I knew you more, Emily, then I could offer to let you talk my ear off about your friend. I tend to play that role with a lot of my friends, so having one more person to listen to would not even be a bother. In fact, it would be my pleasure.
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole

[mojo shivers]

Another sad post from me...

And I Say There's Trouble, When Everything Is Fine, The Need To Destroy Things, Creeps Up On Me Every Time

As always, my troubles began with a girl.

This girl's name was Heidi. She worked at the same bookstore I worked at oh so many years ago. Though, you wouldn't think to look at her at first, she was beautiful. She was the kind of beauty that snuck up on you, but, once it had found you, it never let go. She was the first girl I ever thought that short hair looked absolutely perfect on and she was the first girl who I ever met that had the gravelly, raspy voice of old-time femme fatales. Heidi was a remarkable girl among the mostly forgettable women I knew at the time.

She was the girl I talked to most at work. We would sneak away in the aisles together, when we were supposed to be working, and just sit there and talk to each other. I don't know--I guess she thought I was intelligent and witty. As for me, I thought she was energetic and funny, and a half million other things that I just hadn't experienced in a co-worker before. I don't think I've ever been really attracted to someone I worked with except for her. For months this is how our days went with us spending a good bulk of our time engaging in some of the liveliest banter I have ever been a part of. With the exception of dear Jina, she was the most intelligent girl I ever had the pleasure of sparring words with.

Then, yet again, much like Jina, I had to go and ruin things. I wanted more from the friendship than she was prepared to give. That is when I made the first faux pas of the two great faux pas I made with her. I asked Heidi out. She said yes. But instead of leaving the horse alone like a sensible individual would have done I had to go and look it in the month. I had to overanalyze and fret and fuss, and generally make a right nuisance of myself. I must have asked her three or four times a day leading up to our date what I should wear, what kind of plans we should make, where should we go before or after. I bet you can guess what occurred next. She got totally freaked out. In short, I scared her away. Also, I got the general sense she had put less impetus into our rendezvous than I had. She was looking forward to an outing with what she thought was a decent fellow, while I must have come across as in search of the future Mrs. mojo shivers. That's when she began avoiding me at work. That's when she asked to switch shifts so that we didn't work with each other anymore. And within a few months she had left work altogether, though this wasn't entirely my fault. She moved to Colorado ostensibly, but I think she must have been a little glad to get away from the likes of me.

A few months passed. Christmas rolled around since she had left for college. When she came to visit some of her friends from work we actually got a chance to talk a little. She was still as beautiful and as charming as ever. She had actually grown her hair out a little. At first when I approached to talk to her she seemed hesitant, but once she saw I had no agenda but to catch up with her I think she was relieved. I think we both cleared a lot of what was going through our minds concerning the whole debacle. I think we righted our friendship that day. She even left me an address I could write to her in Colorado.

And that's what I did. I wrote back and forth with her in Colorado. She told me about guys she was interested in in college, she told me how she was doing in Colorado, and we discussed the latest entertainment news and I told her all the gossip about the gang at the bookstore. I even told her about the girl I was dating at the time. She led me to believe I could trust her again. Actually, that's untrue. I knew I could trust her again. I started opening up more and more about stuff that seemed to be bothering me. And that's when I decided to let her in on a secret that had been plaguing me for awhile. I decided to recount an awful encounter my girlfriend had gone through a year prior to meeting me. I gushed and let loose a torrent about my feelings on the subject and eagerly awaited Heidi's reply to my bit of news.

That's when my need to destroy absolutely good things in my life crept back. That's when I made the second and fatal mistake in my friendship with Heidi. I was expecting her to write back with the same fervor and outrage that I had recounted my story with. The only thing was she was too shocked for words. And that's what she wrote back. She wrote back that what I had written had saddened and depressed her and that she absolutely had no fitting response to it. That's when I decided she was copping out and that she wasn't the person I thought she was. I took her genuine dismay and inexperience with expressing her feelings on the matter to mean she didn't care for me or my girlfriend's plight.

That's when I stopped writing her. That's when I stopped knowing her.

In one of her letters to me she sent me a gift completely on her own. It wasn't my birthday, it wasn't Christmas. She made me a dreamcatcher because she said I was the biggest dreamer she ever knew. She said with her dreamcatcher that I would be able to catch all the dreams that had previously escaped me and put them to paper so that all the world would be able to see them. She always believed in my writing.

This is what I'll always remember about Heidi, how she believed so much in me to give something of herself and make me feel absolutely wonderful. And when I stop to wonder how she remembers me I cannot help but think she looks back on me as the guy who fucked up our friendship not once, but twice.

So if you know a Heidi G., tell her I'm sorry and let her know I want our friendship back.

But mostly just tell her I'm sorry. That's the important part.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers


And I Say There's Trouble, When Everything Is Fine, The Need To Destroy Things, Creeps Up On Me Every Time
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole

[amycutthroat]

to you sad folk.

[L]

Regarding having an illness that you don't tell anyone about:

I won't get into my entire medical history, but let us just say that I completely understand the need for isolation when you're hurting. When you're very sick, sometimes you just want to be quiet and alone. And then there's not wanting to burden your friends with your pain, even though they might want to help you through it.

[bigcityrocks]

I'm sad today because it's storming outside!

[wileydairygnome]

I'm actually a million things today, but when I read the topic to this post and started reading the posts, it automatically brought something into my mind, I think i tend to ignore the things that make me sad and angry now, but anyways, all of this stuff hits really close to home, especially today, because my friend told me today that she went to the doctor i think yesterday and he had diagnosed her with all this stuff and i basically said what she couldn't, that she was going to die, now i dont know when, but let me just say that we're both 15 and she has a hole in her heart and i've known about this for a while, but they keep putting off her open heart surgery, then i found out today that she has some kind of disease that causes her to throw up after she eats, and no it's not bulimia, she doesn't make herself throw up, her body does, and because of this, her stomach produces some kind of fluid that goes into her body and is eating away at her bones, so basically she's going to get really weak and die, also, i'm the godmother to her baby that she had a few months ago, sorry, i can't remember exactly how long right now, and I don't mind the fact that I will have her child to take care of, but I mean, it's just really shitty, because she's a really good friend of mine and I know that she wants to see him grow up and I don't think I can actually take care of a kid and it just really sucks, so thanks for starting this topic, i really needed to get that out.
_________________
You lose yourself at every go
That's where you'll stay, that's all you know



Hello, I'm Sara
www.myspace.com/wileydairygnome

[Mallory]

[steveone]

Today I'm sad, because I saw Garden State, and I know I will never find a girl that understands me as much as Sam understood Andrew.

no, no, you think I'm playing, but I'm dead serious.

[pennielane]

I'm sad today because my mom is in the hospital.
_________________
...did you forget that yellow bird?

[wileydairygnome]

[Mallory]

[thisisnotanexit]

much love to all

i'm sad beeause i start class on monday
_________________
http://last.fm/user/adamse2

[FourMee2PoopOn]

I am sad today because I heard M. Ward and 3 songs off Pinback's new album at Starbucks while working. If anyone ever asks who's being played on the speakers, I'll lie and say it's John Mayer or Jason Mraz or something
_________________
"I'll just...I'll just bust out."

[L]

I'm sad because I should be performing poetry right now, but I have a stupid sinus infection that's making my entire face swell up, so now I'm in bed surfing the net and sucking down the sinus pills instead.

[mojo shivers]

I'm sad because one of my favorite sites closed its doors yesterday.
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole

[shh and listen]

I am sad because I have to start taking anti depressants (oh how ironic)

and there's always the lingering prospect of my best friend dying because she has three aneurysms that could explode at any moment. and even if she's lucky her lifetime is halved.
_________________
the metal rods you put in your fucking jaw to keep you from grinding your teeth at night

[mojo shivers]

I Found A Dream That I Can Speak To, A Dream That I Could Call My Own, I Found A Thrill To Press My Cheek To, A Thrill That I Have Never Known

[itv digital]

I am sad at the moment because I know I'm never going to see a bear or panda in real life, and they'll all probably be extinct before my lifes over.

[on my own]

i am sad today because i have been working really hard lately and it seems like all of my work goes unnappreciated. i have to pay for school, my car, my apartment, and everything else i need. and when i watch dr. phil get really depressed because he always gives people money if they need it and they are legitimatley in need of it. well i am in need of it and going to work makes me sad. because it is one of two jobs i have.

i am also sad becausse i have been single for a long time and i miss having someone i can lay in bed with. and i miss the whole "being retarded over eachother" thing.
_________________
let's pretend that everybody here wants peace.

[PerfectLoneliness]

I am sad today because my mother was ain a major car accident this morning, and no one bothered to inform me until 6 hours AFTER it happened. She called me when she was on her way home. Her parents had already driven 2 hours to get her, and didn't bother notifying me. They said it was because I would have been to damn hysterical. They are right.
My mother is a very tiny, and sickly women. She has Turners Syndrome and had to have open heart 4 years ago, on election night when Bush was first elected.
I guess the suns reflection off of the snow caused her not to see, so she slowed down. This guy was parked right in the middle of the road, and she didn't see him. She rammed into the back of him going 50, spun around, and flipped her car. She had a brand new RAV 4.
God, I'm so lucky she is alive.
Since she got home, I have just randomly started crying when looking at her. I honestly, do not know what I would do without her. She is the only person that I have in my life that really cares.
_________________
That was the last time I ever saw her-
through a shop window, sleeves to her elbows.
I walked past and kept on walking
and lit a smoke with my hands shaking.

She was something else.

[mojo shivers]