rilokiley.net
 
Welcome Guest: Register | Log in
 
My Posts | My Messages | My Profile | Search | Memberlist
 
Why are you sad today? (our very own emo thread)
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic
RKnet Forum Index -> General Discussion Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 146, 147, 148  Next
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
amycutthroat
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 10 Oct 2004
Posts: 504

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 8:47 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

i might as well give in to the draw of public suffering. God knows i can't stop thinking and talking about it. i hope the more i let it out, the less it will hurt.

Anyway, I found that cliche of the one. i was so happy. and well, i was happy enough that i got scared and drove him off eventually. Now I am hurting because i know what i did wrong, and want so badly to be with him again but he is moving on and has started seeing someone new, and that hurts the most. that he loves me but is so sure it won't work that he can let himself start thinking about someone else. and i'm a hypocrite because i had a someone else briefly, but mine was an attempt at distraction. his is honest-to-goodness new crush.

I don't know, i am just hating myself a lot right now and am taking advantage of every emotional outlet possible.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PerfectLoneliness
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Posts: 689
Location: Syracuse, NY

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 8:54 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

mojo shivers wrote:
PerfectLoneliness wrote:
I am sad today because my mother was ain a major car accident this morning, and no one bothered to inform me until 6 hours AFTER it happened. She called me when she was on her way home. Her parents had already driven 2 hours to get her, and didn't bother notifying me. They said it was because I would have been to damn hysterical. They are right.
My mother is a very tiny, and sickly women. She has Turners Syndrome and had to have open heart 4 years ago, on election night when Bush was first elected.
I guess the suns reflection off of the snow caused her not to see, so she slowed down. This guy was parked right in the middle of the road, and she didn't see him. She rammed into the back of him going 50, spun around, and flipped her car. She had a brand new RAV 4.
God, I'm so lucky she is alive.
Since she got home, I have just randomly started crying when looking at her. I honestly, do not know what I would do without her. She is the only person that I have in my life that really cares.


That's rough. I can only imagine the thoughts running through your head when you finally found out. Hysterical? I'm surprised you handled it as well as you did. Many in your sitution very well may have gone hysterical.


Well, i pretty much DID go hysterical. I was crying so damn hard, because of that underlying thought that "ok, she's talking to me on the phone, and saying she is alright, but is she REALLY??" I messaged my friend Chris, who lives over 2 hours away right now, and he waqs worried and about to leave work to come see me.
I'm only fine now because my mother is quite upset and, shit, someone needs to be strong, and for once, it's not her.
_________________
That was the last time I ever saw her-
through a shop window, sleeves to her elbows.
I walked past and kept on walking
and lit a smoke with my hands shaking.

She was something else.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
PerfectLoneliness
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Posts: 689
Location: Syracuse, NY

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 8:57 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

amycutthroat wrote:
i might as well give in to the draw of public suffering. God knows i can't stop thinking and talking about it. i hope the more i let it out, the less it will hurt.

Anyway, I found that cliche of the one. i was so happy. and well, i was happy enough that i got scared and drove him off eventually. Now I am hurting because i know what i did wrong, and want so badly to be with him again but he is moving on and has started seeing someone new, and that hurts the most. that he loves me but is so sure it won't work that he can let himself start thinking about someone else. and i'm a hypocrite because i had a someone else briefly, but mine was an attempt at distraction. his is honest-to-goodness new crush.

I don't know, i am just hating myself a lot right now and am taking advantage of every emotional outlet possible.


That's what this thread is for sweety : letting it out.

IM me anytime. I'm good to vent to and sometimes, i have good advice. I can't think of any right now to give you, being my own circumstances, but I'm sure that someone else on here will have some. Smile
_________________
That was the last time I ever saw her-
through a shop window, sleeves to her elbows.
I walked past and kept on walking
and lit a smoke with my hands shaking.

She was something else.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
amycutthroat
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 10 Oct 2004
Posts: 504

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 9:55 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

PerfectLoneliness wrote:
I am sad today because my mother was ain a major car accident this morning, and no one bothered to inform me until 6 hours AFTER it happened. She called me when she was on her way home. Her parents had already driven 2 hours to get her, and didn't bother notifying me. They said it was because I would have been to damn hysterical. They are right.
My mother is a very tiny, and sickly women. She has Turners Syndrome and had to have open heart 4 years ago, on election night when Bush was first elected.
I guess the suns reflection off of the snow caused her not to see, so she slowed down. This guy was parked right in the middle of the road, and she didn't see him. She rammed into the back of him going 50, spun around, and flipped her car. She had a brand new RAV 4.
God, I'm so lucky she is alive.
Since she got home, I have just randomly started crying when looking at her. I honestly, do not know what I would do without her. She is the only person that I have in my life that really cares.
i am sadly no good at consolation but i do send my love to you both.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
niesen
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 544
Location: williamsburg, va

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 11:06 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

i'm sad that all of you guys are sad. i know most of you aren't religious in this thread but my prayers go out to all of you and your family and friends. all of your stories are very touching and i hope everything works out.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 12:34 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

Not a member of this forum, but she is a friend and this, hands down, is the saddest thing I've read in almost a year...

Baby I Know Things Change, And There Might Be Some Rain, But The Clouds Are Going To Clear, And The Sun Is Gonna Shine Again

"It's never going to happen, Breanne. The chances for you ever conceiving are negligible. I'm sorry."

The shock on my face only lasted an instant before being replaced by a slow trickle of tears that never quite grew into the torrent that I had been expecting. After all, after two-and-a-half months of every conceivable fertility test and treatment I finally received the news I had been dreading and expecting all along. It was my fault. It was my fault that Greg and I were going to be an "only" couple. Yet even when you receive the news that you lack the capacity or the talent to do something it still hits you roughly. I imagine it's similar to when ballerinas or cellists receive the unimaginable news that they lack the talent to pursue their passions professionally. The only difference was I lacked the talent to have children. No big deal at all.

I next felt Dr. Welling's hand slip onto my shoulder trying to be reassuring, but how reassuring can the bringer of ill tidings be--especially less than eight seconds after delivering the direst of news? He mumbled something about being out in the hall if I needed anything else and that he wanted to give us time to collect ourselves.

I couldn't stop crying. There it was two days before Valentine's and we're hit with the news that, yet again, my love for my husband didn't mean diddly. I don't know who wanted kids more, the lovable galoot, who from day one of dating him already had names picked out whether we had a boy or girl, or the sassy ray of sunshine who had started putting away clothes for her children at age 11. To say that we were devestated does not lend enough creedance to just how inconsolable we truly were. And with every tear that fell and hit the linoleum floor the emptier I felt inside. I hit one of those plateaus, huddled over my knees, with Greg behind me where I felt so awful inside and so torn asunder spiritually that I actually reached a level of absolute incoherence.

For the first few minutes it manifested itself as nothing more than shallow whispers, the kind of low volume drone you would hear from scared prey or lost puppies. At first, I didn't even understand myself. I imagine I said words, but they may have just been the half-finished thoughts of a woman in turmoil. All the magazines always say the more traumatic the situation the more likely that logic and reasoning take a brief sabbatical only to be replaced by impulse and instinct. My first instinct was to rationalize a way out of it. Soon the whispers to my husband were replaced by catches of phrases about "second opinion this" and "impossible that." I was a good girl. I did everything the "right" way. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve this by a long shot.

I refused to believe I was being punished.

I started to yell at him to fix this--not that he could understand the least bit of what I was saying. I started to yell at him to tell me what we do next, now that the house we had purchased would have two extra bedrooms, now that both our parents would now be without grandchildren, now that all the trying and failing had ultimately landed us with absolutely nothing. I wanted the answers from a man who was just as scared and emotionally wrecked as I was.

I don't know what to do, Greg said. I don't know where to go from here.

And then he walked away and sat down on the far end of the exam room. I was thinking to myself, Hello, barren wife here. And, of course, I cried some more. If he didn't want to be with me, then fuck him. I wouldn't tell him I needed him and ask him to come over. I would get a divorce, that's what I would do. I would just take my belongings from our house and head for the hills. No man leaves his wife alone in a time like this, no man I ever knew anyway. When I was growing up I would see my daddy hold my mom like he believed in her. And when my mom was sad or distraught about any 'ole thing he would say the absolute perfect thing. When I was growing up I knew, absolutely knew, that I would marry a man that had all the answers when it came to making feel loved. I had thought Greg was this man, but the present circumstance was proving otherwise.

Longer and longer the separation between us grew. He was now slumped over in one of the chairs in the room, gaze directed outside the sixth story window at the city below us. I want to write that we heard the noisy clatter of the children playing in the school below us, but life was not the cruel. Nope, the only clatter I could hear was the construction kind. I remember because it was such a nuisance to even get into the hospital that morning, four hours prior. Had I known what the day would hold I don't imagine I'd have grown so irritated with all the delays and detours. I wouldn't have rushed here nor would I have taken time off of work had I known this was to be fate.

The longer he continued to look out the window the longer I continued to look, peek even, to see if he would be coming back to console me. But he never came. Eventually, I got tired of the waiting. I can only be so sad for so long. Instead, my sadness, as emotions often do, was replaced by a seething dislike for the man I'd been married to now for twenty months.

I didn't even bother changing out of the hospital gown. Hell's bells, I didn't even bother to grab my clothes on the way out the door. I had the impulse to get out of this hospital room, this hospital, this city, this life and as sure as hell get as far as I could from my husband. I blew by my doctor. I blew by the front desk. I would let him take care of all those unpleasantries; I needed to get away from this evil place.

I had made it all the way to the car when he caught up to me. I felt him reach for my hand. I tried to fight his grasp but I was already weak. I wanted everything to end. I wanted this whole day to be over. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I wanted to get home and sleep it off. The thought that I could forget all my troubles if I got some decent rest permeated throughout my brain. I felt Greg's head above mine. I could feel that he wanted me to turn around and face him. But he was the last person I wanted to face. Sadness had melted into anger and he was the easiest target. But I did not want to take it out on him. After all, it was all my fault. I had done this to both of us. I was the guilty party.

I felt him kissing the back of my head when he realized getting me to face him would prove an impossibility. He started kissing my lightly, like a grandfather kisses his grandchild, and never relented. He kissed me like that as I cried some more, face huddled in front of the rear side window, the tip of nose barely brushing against the icy acetone of the glass. He kissed me like that and never stopped kissing me until I finally faced him. He kissed me and kissed me until I believed he loved me again. He kissed the back of my head for twenty minutes.

It may not have solved all my problems or even made me feel the least bit better about the way things go. But I don't think I've ever forgotten what he did and how he did it. And so maybe I'll never have children who I will be able to love as my own, but I cannot say I'm without love completely. I'm in love with a man who is in love with me and even though it isn't everything I ever wanted, it's still quite a bit in my book.

Breanne
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 4:47 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

And I Miss Tara and Melissa, Allen and John., And You'll Never Have Friends Like You Did When You Were Young

Before Breanne, before Tara, before Jennifer, Before DeAnn, before Daniel, Peter and all the rest of them, there was the old gang at St. Rita's Elementary. Tommy, John, Paul, and Phillip were the first real friends I ever had in the world. True, I had people I hung out with when I was Kindergarten and 1st Grade, but I could hardly count them as real friends since I hardly remember those formative years in my life. But starting from 2nd Grade at St. Rita's I hung out with the same bunch of guys (except John--he came in 4th Grade). We had a lot in common. We were the 5 smartest students in our class. We were all interested in the same forms of entertainment--music, movies, television, you name it. And we all lived within the same 3 mile radius so it was no big deal to just be dropped off at each other's houses. I don't think I've ever had funner and funnier times on such a consistent basis than I had with those guys. I suppose it's true I've had reach greater heights with my recent friends--after all it's not like I can compare those three days with Breanne beneath a tent at a Georgia highway, kissing Tara when we were supposed to be at the movies in Palm Springs, or just the 8 hour conversations I've had with Daniel, Jennifer, and Peter at various times. But there's something to be said about school days and seeing the same circle friends day after day. School for me was like a 9 month long summer vacation and that was due in large part to the fact those 4 guys made it so.


a view from the top of baldwin

I don't know--I just never had a group of friends that I actually looked forward to seeing. Back then it wasn't like it is now. I didn't have to contend with schedules and prioritizing. No one had to pencil each other in. No one played cel phone tag. And certainly no one had to flake on one another. I didn't even know what flaking was until I got to high school. When one of us made a plan with the other you just knew the other person was going to make it.

Sometimes I wonder why as we get older we begin to place our friends further away. When did it become alright to see each other once a week or even once a month? Back then there was a time that I actually would feel bad for missing a day or two of school because I know I'd be missed by my friends. Now when I cancel out on a plan it's no big deal. I don't know when that happened. I don't know when it became alright to see my friends in San Francisco once or twice a YEAR.

I don't think it's necessarily the quality of friends that I'm lamenting here. All my current friends have proven themselves to of impeccable quality. I think I'm lamenting the situation in which my current friendships subsist these days. I want to go back to the days that people actually liked hanging out with each other on a daily basis. I want to go back to the days that you didn't have to be dating someone to want to make plans with someone 24 hours from you leave them.

I want the days when Paul, Phillip, Tommy, and John were only a phone call and a car ride from the parents away.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole


Last edited by mojo shivers on Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:21 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
lore



Joined: 11 Jul 2004
Posts: 38
Location: los angeles

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 4:56 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

I'm sad today for the simple fact that life is unfair.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
holysmoke



Joined: 09 Jan 2005
Posts: 99
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 4:58 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

I sort of feel the same way. I feel like I pretty much don't care about anyone right now. When I was in elementary school, I hang out with friends after school every day! I even went to bathroom with them every fucking break. I definitely had BEST friends back then. Now...I have problem trusting people. I talk shit about friends, and I think they talk shit about me too. I think everybody judges everybody else.(I am sorry I am sarcastic) It is sad but true. I mean I need friends. I love to go see a show with friends...talk about relationship problems...I do have good times, and I know I need friends. But I definitely like being alone. I feel comfortable being alone. I definitely miss having BEST FRIENDS.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
holysmoke



Joined: 09 Jan 2005
Posts: 99
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 4:59 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

lore wrote:
I'm sad today for the simple fact that life is unfair.


what happened?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
lore



Joined: 11 Jul 2004
Posts: 38
Location: los angeles

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 5:01 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

holysmoke wrote:
lore wrote:
I'm sad today for the simple fact that life is unfair.


what happened?


I feel like Juliet or something, sometimes it's so hard for me to just see my boyfriend. It sounds lame compared to everyone else's problems but it's all I worry about lately.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
holysmoke



Joined: 09 Jan 2005
Posts: 99
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 5:06 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

lore wrote:
holysmoke wrote:
lore wrote:
I'm sad today for the simple fact that life is unfair.


what happened?


I feel like Juliet or something, sometimes it's so hard for me to just see my boyfriend. It sounds lame compared to everyone else's problems but it's all I worry about lately.


What exactly do you mean? Are you in love with him too much, so it hurts????? or are you worried that he doesn't love you as much as you do??????? Hummmmm....
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 5:33 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

holysmoke wrote:
I sort of feel the same way. I feel like I pretty much don't care about anyone right now. When I was in elementary school, I hang out with friends after school every day! I even went to bathroom with them every fucking break. I definitely had BEST friends back then. Now...I have problem trusting people. I talk shit about friends, and I think they talk shit about me too. I think everybody judges everybody else.(I am sorry I am sarcastic) It is sad but true. I mean I need friends. I love to go see a show with friends...talk about relationship problems...I do have good times, and I know I need friends. But I definitely like being alone. I feel comfortable being alone. I definitely miss having BEST FRIENDS.


See, that's what I miss. I miss when you had nothing to do and too much time to do it. Now it's like we all have things to do and not enough time to do it with. I want to go back to the days when you could just go visit your friends and stay for hours without having to worry about your job, your girlfriend or wife back home, getting enough sleep, what your other friends will think about you not doing anything with them, or any other such nonsense.

When did life get so complicated?
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
holysmoke



Joined: 09 Jan 2005
Posts: 99
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 5:45 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

mojo shivers wrote:
holysmoke wrote:
I sort of feel the same way. I feel like I pretty much don't care about anyone right now. When I was in elementary school, I hang out with friends after school every day! I even went to bathroom with them every fucking break. I definitely had BEST friends back then. Now...I have problem trusting people. I talk shit about friends, and I think they talk shit about me too. I think everybody judges everybody else.(I am sorry I am sarcastic) It is sad but true. I mean I need friends. I love to go see a show with friends...talk about relationship problems...I do have good times, and I know I need friends. But I definitely like being alone. I feel comfortable being alone. I definitely miss having BEST FRIENDS.


See, that's what I miss. I miss when you had nothing to do and too much time to do it. Now it's like we all have things to do and not enough time to do it with. I want to go back to the days when you could just go visit your friends and stay for hours without having to worry about your job, your girlfriend or wife back home, getting enough sleep, what your other friends will think about you not doing anything with them, or any other such nonsense.

When did life get so complicated?


I know! I used to show up at friends' house door without calling them, and it was totally OK. When did i stop doing that?? I really don't know what happened to those peaceful days...I have so much negative thoughts about people now. I really miss those time too!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 6:07 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

It's like as you get older you just shut down on making time for people that matter to you that aren't related to you. Sure, you still hang out with your friends, but now it seems like the exception rather than the rule. I hate feeling nervous that my friends are going to be busy when an open window opens in my schedule.

Forget that, I hate that I have a schedule.
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
holysmoke



Joined: 09 Jan 2005
Posts: 99
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 6:27 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

I know. I am staying up this late with Rilo Kiley forum on because I have Econ and Statistisc test tomorrow. Two tests on same day. It sucks. I just bought a book called "middle sex" written by the guy who wrote virgin suicide, but the book is still in the bag. I am like " why would i read book if I have time to read text book?" I have no life because of school....I haven't hang out with friends too long....not that I care about them too much, but I can't wait for spering break.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
dragonfly
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 04 Nov 2004
Posts: 604

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 7:47 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

accidental double post

Last edited by dragonfly on Mon Feb 07, 2005 6:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
dragonfly
Cool Kid
Cool Kid


Joined: 04 Nov 2004
Posts: 604

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 7:47 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

niesen wrote:
i'm sad that all of you guys are sad. i know most of you aren't religious in this thread but my prayers go out to all of you and your family and friends. all of your stories are very touching and i hope everything works out.


That is really sweet, and made me feel good to read. Perhaps you'll you drop a prayer in the bucket for me too, as I've been feeling at the end of my rope and not peaceful enough to meditate or pray or anything. My cat I've had 12 years has been mising for awhile, and a person I care about and have missed seeing all year lied (so it seems) about wanting to visit me while he was in town. I wish people wouldn't say things they don't mean. I'd settle for just talking to him a little..but, I'm afraid he's disappeared again, without telling me, and I'm not in a good state. : /


[edit} This is amazing! A few minutes ago, I heard a faint cry at the door and my beautiful cat was back!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sammty
all-around quality person


Joined: 13 Mar 2004
Posts: 165

PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:48 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

this thread has made me want to get something off my chest...

in high school i was like best friends with a girl (let's call her grace) who i had quite a lot in common with. she was really pretty and always had lots of guys who fancied her and i guess i was always a little bit jealous of her. i had my first boyfriend when i was 14 (let's call him jay) but it wasn't that serious and we were only together for a month or two, so when she started dating him shortly after we broke up i didn't make a big deal out of it. i was a little bit upset because she didn't tell me that she wanted to date him until they were already together. i thought that maybe she should have told me before but i wasn't sure how to react to it. so i talked to another friend who basically told me that if i didn't have feelings for jay anymore, then i shouldn't have a problem with him dating grace. so i followed her advice and nothing changed between me and grace, but as it turned out, she and jay weren't together very long anyway.

later on in high school she dated another guy (let's call him dave) who i was friends with also, and i dated another guy too (let's call him kyle). during this time we grew apart quite a bit but we were still good friends. it turned out that she and dave broke up about the same time as i broke up with kyle so we all ended up consoling each other. grace and dave consoling me, and me consoling grace and dave. this interaction brought me closer to them both, especially dave as he didn't really have many close friends and i was there for him a lot when he wanted to talk. we chatted on the internet for hours and hours and anded up becoming more than friends. when he asked me out i said no because i wanted to talk to grace about it first and check that she would be ok with it. i did this just out of common courtesy really, but i explained that i liked dave but i didn't want it to affect out friendship. she said she was fine with it and it wouldn't change our friendship so i ended up dating him for nearly 2 years.

the thing was that it did change our friendship, and a lot of other friendships as well. i ended up very detached from most of my friends and many of grace's friends thought that i was selfish for dating a guy that she had dated, even though she had done the same thing to me in the past.

ever since i dated dave things have changed completely within my circle of friends and i suppose it is my fault because i 'chose a guy over my friend', but i was very serious about him and he is the only person i think i have ever truly loved. or at least, the one i have loved the most.

it has always got to me because although we committed the same 'crime', it was always so much bigger a deal when it was me because grace was always liked so much more by so many more people. i always felt that everyone forgot that she had done the same thing to me and just judged me on what i had done.

sorry this is very 'high school romance and jealousy' but it affected me a lot and still affects me today a bit. just makes me realise that people treat people differently and sometimes unfairly just because of who they are, even though they can't help it. obviously this is only one side of the story, but i don't know what the other side is. hopefully it made sense. i've never really talked about it before.

ahhh high school Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 5:03 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

Blue, Oh, So Lonesome For You, Why Can't You Be Blue Over Me?

I remember the first time I heard LeAnn Rimes' "Blue". It was the first ever song to get me into country. Before this song I was susceptible to all the badmouthing that country music seems to get just for being country--mostly be people who have never given it a fair shake. I remember how remarkable I found the lyrics, how true to life they were and how this young girl could put so much inflection into such a beautiful song. LeAnn was amazing. I honestly felt the heartache and loneliness in every chorus. It remains one of those songs that holds this especially poignant place in my heart.


but don't ever lose that light in your eyes...

Even to this day that song is the one that immediately springs to mind about how the tumultuous time when everything was so confused between Jina and I. B. and I was always simple--we pretty much decided together when to give it a try and when to quit. Jina and I "breaking up" was a long drawn out death for my heart. Jina and I was the confused state of not knowing exactly where we stood. And "Blue" is one of those songs that is so connected to a period in my life that I almost get confused if the song gave birth to my personality at the time or my personality was as such to draw me to that song.

I think that's the way with certain films and songs. They become much more than just a piece on their own. They become emblematic of a whole period in your life. For instance, "Pictures of Success," with its meanderings on where financial, romantic, and spiritual success figure into the bigger picture of overall happiness has come to dominate the time period 2002 to present. The whole set of lyrics has taken on the guise of a mantra for me. From 1992-1996 it was all about The Cure and their melancholy detachment--happy or sad, I was merely attempting to make myself as unobtrusive as possible. Then "Blue" and the heartache of losing two young women who meant more than the world to me at the time came along. And the whole country ethos of genuineness and truth in tears took on a prominent role in my life. I was not just sad over a girl. I was sad over THE girl. And I wasn't just lonely--this was the great and one true loneliness of losing the love of your life.

The whole point of this post is that no matter how far you think you've come from your past. It only takes a ghost from yesteryear to dredge up all the memories and emotions that you thought you had locked safely away. There are times when I think it wasn't really real, that I was overdramatic in my youth. There are times when I think I may have been just making up how devestating it was to lose touch with her. Then I hear "Blue" and I remember.

For a couple of minutes I am twenty again and thinking how there will never be someone as great as her. I hear the words, I see the girl, I shed the tears. And the sad truth is that there hasn't been someone who quite captures all that she was to me. No one has ever come close.

Blue, indeed.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
rainonwednesday
all-around quality person


Joined: 20 Feb 2005
Posts: 280
Location: Belgium

PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 12:38 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

well put, mojo, very well put. I can't say that i know exactly what you're talking about, because i don't, but i can imagine it must have been or still is really hard to lose someone you care about that much.

anyhow, i'm not feeling sad at the moment, i'm kinda excited. i'm seeing kimya dawson in a few hours; though i could be sad about the fact that i'm going to the show alone, but that doesn't really bother me, it's going to be great
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
haleybrooks
Regular
Regular


Joined: 23 Feb 2005
Posts: 105
Location: pennsylvania

PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 6:18 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

i guess i'm sad because i'm sitting here helpless while my mom's brain tumor eats a little bit more of her brain in the nursing home she's in.

she's 57 years old.

whoever posted that life isn't fair.... they hit the nail on the head with that one.
_________________
... and then later cats in dresses.

www.kappacino.com
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 5:21 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

Before posting again, I thought I would take the time to comment.

Rain - Losing someone is never easy. I don't wish that on anyone. The sad fact it, though, you are going to lose friends, family, and even parts of yourself someday. Life is about loss unfortunately. You've just go make sure you have ways to cope and people who are going to be there for you when you need assistance.

Haley - I'm sorry for your mother. I know what it's like to have someone die from something that medicine had no cure for. It's not easy. And it's only going to get harder. My prayers are with you.
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
mojo shivers
The Shit
The Shit


Joined: 13 Jul 2004
Posts: 9819
Location: the goondocks

PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 5:21 am
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

It's So Hard To Think "It Ends Sometime And This Could Be The Last. I Should Really Hear You Sing Again And I Should Really Watch You Dance"

"Are you almost ready yet?"

I heard that query come from down the hallway of me and DeAnn's apartment. It was around 5:00 in the morning and we were on our way to my parents' house where my brother should have been getting ready to take us to the airport for our flight at 7:00 a.m. To say the least I was excited. Not only was this our first time in New Orleans, it was also the first real trip we had taken anywhere together. Before that day our vacationing experiences had been relegated to Las Vegas, San Francisco, and Santa Barbara. I simply couldn't wait to get out to LAX and finally away from our boring apartment. But mostly I was pining to get away from the sturm und drang of our life in this apartment. Over the last year of living with DeAnn our daily life had become routine. We'd go to work, come home, eat, then she would watch television and I would fiddle around on the computer, then she would turn in and a couple of hours later I would join her in bed. We hardly talked any more. We hardly did much of anything any more. To say the least, the romance had all but sputtered out its last breaths in our relationship.

That was the other reason I wanted to take this trip. I wanted to get our life together back in the right direction like she wanted. I wanted to put back some of the spark that had been there from the beginning. I wanted to be the man she would be proud to call her partner. And, even though in hindsight it probably was an ill-conceived notion, I got it in my silly, frilly head that the only way to right the wrongs that had been to the communication in our partnership was to ask my cupcake to marry me.


I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you so much


"Almost there, DeAnn. Hold your horses!" I replied, lugging my bag down the hallway. Usually, it was the other way around. Usually I was the one who would have been prepared an hour ago. But due to the fact neither one of us slept much the night before and my insistence that I take a shower before I go anywhere in the morning; while DeAnn was always of the persuasion that she didn't need to get dressed up just to fly, hence, no shower; I had taken fifteen minutes longer than her to get ready.

I remember we played CDs all the way to my parents' house. I think that was another portent of how the rest of the day was to go. We just listened to songs. Again, we didn't talk. I think she knew how strained everything was becoming. I think she knew that I was hoping this vacation would jumpstart something, anything in our lives together. And yet, like me, I don't think she really believed that this would culminate in any long-term solutions. I think she knew that we were probably on our last breaths. If something big didn't happen soon we were probably headed for a particularly nasty break-up or worse.

I remember taking one look at DeAnn sitting in the car, with her dyed-red medium-length tresses and her baby blue eyes, and thinking of how happy she was going to be on our second night in New Orleans. I had it all worked out. I had reservations at Emeril's for 8:30. We had always promised ourselves if we were ever out by New Orleans we would go check out his restaurant. In fact, it was the main reason we had chosen to take our vacation in that particular city. I could only imagine the look on her face as I got down on my knee during desert to propose. That's how doubtful I was. I didn't want to propose before dinner in case she said no. I didn't want the rejection to ruin dinner. That should have been a big glaring sign that my plan was doomed from the start. If you're not confident that the other individual is going to respond in the positive than possibly asking that other individual's hand in matrimony is the wrong question to be asking.

We got to my parent's house sooner than expected. It had taken us only twenty minutes instead of the usual forty to arrive. And upon our arrival and knocking on my brother's door we heard the strangest kuffuffle issuing from inside. The next thing we knew he was coming out his door shouting, "They've bombed the World Trade Center!" To put it bluntly, we were shocked but we really didn't give it too much thought. We packed our things in his car as various people, even at 5:30 in the morning, kept calling him to ask him if he heard the news. Not thinking this wasn't going to put a damper on our trip, the three of us still headed to the airport.

Along the way, as we listened to the news stations instead of the obligatory CDs, we found out that the World Trade Center hadn't been bombed. It had, in truth, had been crashed into. And not only that but they were getting reports that other planes could have possibly been hijacked. And they also said that there was a chance that no flights would be able to get in or out that day from all airports.

I immediately grew concerned. Not for all the people who lost their lives in the hijackings. Not even for their families and all the people who were being frightened awake from the bedrooms in New York. Nope, my immediate concern on September 11th, 2001 was the fact that there was a good chance that we wouldn't get to New Orleans. I wouldn't be able to pop the question.

We'd have to go back to that awful place, still miserable.

We arrived at the airport and they said all flight were going to be delayed for up to four hours and there was a good chance there were going to be cancelled altogether. We debated waiting around to see if they were going to give clearance. But after about forty minutes of waiting we got the news that everything was going to be closed. So we headed back to my parents' home.

We never got to New Orleans. I never asked her to marry me.

We held on for three months.

Then we broke up.

Sometimes I look back on that day as a weird sign from God. He REALLY didn't want us to get married. It was a strange notion that of all days to decide to take our vacation we decided to leave on September 11th, that September 11th of all days. And it's not like we decided on the spur of the moment. We booked our tickets six weeks prior, all the way at the beginning of August. I definitely think there was some force at work preventing us from making a stupid mistake. I really do. I think that something out there knew our marriage would have been shambles. We were good friends and we had things in common, but there was no love between us any more. More precisely, I imagine, we simply weren't in love with each other more. The sad truth was without something to keep us going there was no reason for us to stay together. After the first blissful year together our relationship was held aloft by setting and going towards the next goal. First, it was moving in together. Then, after that had been accomplished, it was towards being able to save for a house. Then, we added saving for new cars and a family someday. Then, finally, for me at least, it was put toward saving for a ring to propose with. I think that without these new horizons being placed in front of us we would have seen our life together didn't have many legs to stand on. Our whole dating and living together was like one of those planes we heard about that day, flying around with no clear place to land. We were just wasting fuel and time thinking that we were actually going somewhere.

Being stuck at our apartment and, later, Vegas when we were supposed to be in New Orleans made us aware of a few things. September 11th and our failed plan to rekindle the romance in our relationship became like a subtle knife to us. It found all the invisible snags and holes in the tapestry of the life we had supposedly built together. After that collosal disappointment all the other disappointing things about our days together became apparent. Everything grew even more irritable and irritating till finally we both had had too much.

I still miss her. There are so many things she did to make me smile. She was always the free spirit that I never was. She opened so many possibilities for me. She's the first person who ever got me to drink. She's the first person who ever taught to drive stick. She's the first person I ever lived with. She's the first person I ever put as a beneficiary on my life insurance. She's the first person I ever dated for longer than a year. And, yes, she was the first person I ever made love to.

There are so many things I used to wish I had done differently--paid more attention, treated her more, been less stubborn and argumentative, not gotten so upset quite so often. I basically should have loved her more and a lot better.

Yes, I miss her even to this day. But I don't miss that life any more.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
_________________
"Right is right even if no one does it, and wrong is wrong even if everyone does it."
--Rachel Joy Scott

california is a recipe for a black hole
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
twistandshout
all-around quality person


Joined: 01 Jul 2004
Posts: 305
Location: Blacksburg, Virginia

PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:24 pm
PostPost subject:
Reply with quote

i'm sad because i'm in my second semester at a community college, while my two best friends went away to big colleges. i am lonely with out them, and it's hard to make friends at a community college because you're not living in a dorm and you're not forced to be around new people as much as at a regular university. i'm also having a hard time getting used to living on my own (i have an apartment with my boyfriend) and i miss my parents, their houses, & my pets.

i feel like my life is going nowhere.
_________________
come on darling, let's hang around
let's wreck their precious, their perfect town
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
RKnet Forum Index -> General Discussion All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Post new topic   Reply to topic Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 146, 147, 148  Next
Page 2 of 148
Jump to:  

 
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum