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We'll Never Sleep (An After-Midnight Thread)
 
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ZooeyLewis
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:22 am
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3:19. Riley wakes up in like two or three hours. I have so much to do tomorrow, but I haven't been sleeping much at all lately. I'm a mess. I feel like I'm at peace, but my thoughts are torturing me (wow, that sounded completely mental). I cannot stop thinking for even a second in order to relax enough to fall asleep.

I'm so nervous about only having a month to tie up all the loose ends here and get out of this shit hole corn field.
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:52 am
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What Am I Supposed To Do When The Best Part Of Me Was Always You, What Am I Supposed To Say When I'm All Choked Up And You're Okay

--"Break Even", The Script

"You say you never asked for this. You say you warned me that there was a chance this was going to happen. And I didn't believe you. It might have been foolish pride or plain stubbornness, but I thought we had a chance. Of any two people I thought we had a shot of proving them wrong. You know who they are, all the people who said we were kidding ourselves. All the people who said we were too young, too blind, too impatient to see that anything of real value takes time. I just wanted to rush into this with everything to prove them wrong. Yet the way things turned out maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe, I was tired of being alone. Maybe you were tired of it too. At the time that could have been all that was driving us to move so fast and so hard to keep this going. Now, perhaps, we've just run out of steam. Now we're just crashing from the heights we sustained for so long.

It didn't have to be like this, though. Part of me believes that we could have stayed flying forever, that whatever problems eventually weighed us down never had to happen. Part of me believes this thing never had to end, that forever was a possibility, that that happy ending was in reach. But that's coming from someone who really has never done the serious relationship before.

The tough thing about following your heart is that people assume you've had practice at it before--that it somehow gets easier every time you take that flying leap. As you once told me, you're not afraid of heights, you're afraid of falling. Well, I am afraid of heights and I still chose to fall pretty hard for you. It wasn't easy, but I did it any way. I took a chance and that chance backfired. The tough thing about following your heart is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be--places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cannot take you to places that lead to happy ending. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back. The tough thing about following your heart is people think they know it can only lead to good things. But the heart isn't exactly the world's best guide. It can lose its way just as easily as anybody. Sometimes it really can get so lost that there really is no way finding its way back again.


I'm falling to pieces

I'm not here to berate you. I'm not here to blame you. I'm just writing this to tell you that I think it's a mistake to say there's coming back from this whole mess. It's wrong to say that eventually we'll be as good as new. We're not going back to good or new ever again. That time in our life is over. There's some chance we'll get back to some semblance of being okay again, but both of us will know it isn't as good as it once was. Both of us will know it isn't as new as it once felt. What it will feel is comfortable and comforting, but never again exciting and never again alive is it was when we had the two of us together. I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mending whole was good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I live.

I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn't ask for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets. And I suppose we did have quite a run of beautiful days and I suppose now it's time to welcome those damn sunsets. Just don't expect me to be happy about them. At least not now. You might be right, someday I'll get over this and someday it won't seem so bad. But that day isn't today.

You'll never be that easily forgotten. You'll never be that easily replaced."

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 3:45 am
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Just watched the "Silver Lining" music video for the first time in a few years. Good lord, watching that now is more heartbreaking than ever. I almost felt the urge to cry (I don't cry at movies, etc., very easily).
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 4:41 am
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It's almost 4 a.m., and I'm feeling super nostalgic for Rilo Kiley circa 2005 (the year of my first and better of two live RK experiences, the latter in 2007).

I need to have the new Elected album -- physical, not iTunes -- in my possession, NOW. I think that will help.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:10 am
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...and that, ladies and gentlemen of RKNet, is how Shannon ended up in her kitchen at ten past one o'clock in the morning, drinking wine and baking lemon-raspberry muffins in a nightgown, apron, and mukluks.


(There's no story before that because I don't know how I got here. Seriously, when did I start turning into a Katherine Heigl character?)
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 3:09 am
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You guys, I'm watching "Larry-Boy and the Rumor Weed" on Netflix. I remember going to see this premiere in theatres when I was ten.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:43 am
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I am kind of cheating because it's 11:40, but being the boring old lady that I am, this is late for me on a work night.
Argh, I am so bored with my job. I know I should be thankful that I have one, and it's really not that bad, I don't hate it, blah blah blah, it's just boring. I kind of want to run away from my life sometimes.
I have been getting into tarot cards lately. I still don't know them well enough to do readings for anyone other than myself. I have a lovely book that I reference to help me tune into the meaning of each card. It's a lot of fun when you just take it for what it is - pictures on a card. I'm not a person who is into "psychics" by any means. I just find archetypes and symbols interesting. I think that the human brain is wired to look for meaning - when we look for meaning in things like tarot cards, it is easy for us to find it because we want to. It is interesting and fun!
Anyways, that's the reason I'm awake so late. I bought a book called Tarot for Writers, which I am hoping will help inspire me for my own writing. Then I got sidetracked looking at a bunch of different tarot cards on the internet.
If only I could quit my real job and just read tarot cards. Alas.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 4:10 am
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happyfish wrote:
I am kind of cheating because it's 11:40, but being the boring old lady that I am, this is late for me on a work night.
Argh, I am so bored with my job. I know I should be thankful that I have one, and it's really not that bad, I don't hate it, blah blah blah, it's just boring. I kind of want to run away from my life sometimes.
I have been getting into tarot cards lately. I still don't know them well enough to do readings for anyone other than myself. I have a lovely book that I reference to help me tune into the meaning of each card. It's a lot of fun when you just take it for what it is - pictures on a card. I'm not a person who is into "psychics" by any means. I just find archetypes and symbols interesting. I think that the human brain is wired to look for meaning - when we look for meaning in things like tarot cards, it is easy for us to find it because we want to. It is interesting and fun!
Anyways, that's the reason I'm awake so late. I bought a book called Tarot for Writers, which I am hoping will help inspire me for my own writing. Then I got sidetracked looking at a bunch of different tarot cards on the internet.
If only I could quit my real job and just read tarot cards. Alas.


I actually own two tarot decks. One of them is really nice and the other's a smaller travel set.

It was kind of strange. There was a period between sophomore and junior years of high school where we really into giving and getting readings. I wasn't always the best at reading, but it was always neat to elaborate on people's readings and see their reactions.

I totally got what they say when you can read a person's body language to discern whether or not you're on the right track in connecting your reading with their lives.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 7:48 am
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I just woke up from a horrible dream -- nay, nightmare -- about having two steady streams of roaches in the kitchen. If I didn't have to work later today, I'd obsessively sterilize every inch of this apartment, right now.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 3:00 am
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I was going to post about how weird my night was, but halfway through writing it I decided I couldn't deal with the people I love on this board knowing the reaches of my sluttiness tonight.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 3:06 am
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thegirlinthesong wrote:
I was going to post about how weird my night was, but halfway through writing it I decided I couldn't deal with the people I love on this board knowing the reaches of my sluttiness tonight.


If that isn't a tease then I don't know what is. LOL
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Heather
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:23 pm
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thegirlinthesong wrote:
I was going to post about how weird my night was, but halfway through writing it I decided I couldn't deal with the people I love on this board knowing the reaches of my sluttiness tonight.


What about the people you don't love? Surely you don't like me that much, and I'm nosy. Tell us!
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:46 am
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Dude, Heather, of course I like you. In spite of or perhaps because of your nosiness. Who's to say?

And because my life is a mess I will now provide an epically long post that I require absolutely no one to read, but my best friend is still out at a bar and not available on Skype and I have to go to bed soon so here it is.

SO. WHAT IS THIS.

I had been hanging out with this guy guy for about a week. And by that I mean we spent like every day together, during which I had dinner out at a restaurant with his family twice and went to his grandmother's house with them. And as I have mentioned, he is smart and hot. Yeah.

So on Friday night we were at separate bars, and I met a guy -- a friend of the girl I was there with -- who asked for my number. He then texted me on Sunday wanting to know if I wanted to get a drink on Monday. At the time I was with Kyle, of course, so as he was dropping me off at my house, I asked for permission to be an asshole for thirty seconds.

I clenched my eyes shut in horrible anticipation. "So...is there something going on here? I'm not asking for a label or anything, I'm just having some trouble reading the situation."

I honestly don't remember his answer. It was vague and evasive, so finally I just plunged in and told him I was into him. And that I would still be psyched to hang out with him no matter what, but I had just been asked out so I unfortunately kind of had to force the issue. Anyway, his answer was one of those awful ones that you know boils down to "no, there's nothing going on here" while still trying to be nice because he's my friend so there was just enough for me to pick apart later that night as I moped in my room.

So, with that settled, I agreed to go out with the guy from the bar. Turned out what he had termed "drinks" was actually a weekly beer pong tournament at a bar one town over that a bunch of people he knew and a few I knew were going to be at. While I was on my way to meet him there, I was called and informed by someone else that I was to be some random guy's pong partner, even though I hadn't been planning on playing.

It was basically the worst place to have a date, where a bunch of your friends are going to be and it's loud and you're not even playing on the same team so you're constantly getting called away to a game. So after my partner and I lost, he apparently took a liking to me and started buying me drinks. He was sweet about it, so I hung out with him for a while and we played some pool. I managed to work in some time with the guy I had been meeting there, but I was honestly still all worked up about the Kyle thing and in a weird head space.

So I left before most of the group, with the excuse that I had my trainer today. My pong partner asked for a ride home. It was out of my way but I agreed, both to do my part as a DD and because he made it really hard to say no. I got him back to his house -- which was massive, by the way -- and his response was to pull me onto his lap over in shotgun and start making out with me.

It was kind of fun, in that I-don't-really-do-this-anymore-but-I-got-rejected-last-night-and-he's-leaving-for-the-Marines-in-three-days-anyway way. He asked if I wanted to come inside, to which I simply said "no." I gave him my number and left, knowing I probably wouldn't want to see him again. He was far too forward for my tastes, honestly.

I hadn't heard from Kyle since the conversation in the car. Then today I got a mass text from him about wanting to have a bonfire, which I didn't answer, followed by a text just to me about coming over to watch Game of Thrones, which I did answer. So I went to his house and we sprawled out on his bed to watch a couple of episodes, like usual. Then it got to be around dinnertime and I had already done my shopping and told my parents I would cook, so I left, telling him I might stop by if the bonfire happened but I had an audition tomorrow so I couldn't stay late.

Then there was one of those fabulous thunderstorms Chicago's been so lucky to have this summer so it changed to a movie night. Then people started flaking left and right so it changed to just me and Kyle again, watching the last episode we had left of Game of Thrones. After that he decided it was time I started Battlestar Galactica.

Then there was just progression. It got late. His cat wandered in (which I'm allergic to) so he kicked it out and shut his bedroom door. Then the poking my sides started again, then became him watching me very closely, which I tried to ignore because of The Conversation. Then all of a sudden he was lying on me and kissing my neck and said simply, "I may have changed my mind."

So...YEAH. My head, she burns with questions. What the hell made him change his mind in a day? Or, maybe, a few hours, since he didn't act any different earlier today? Was it the knee socks I was wearing under my rain boots? Do I need to tell the two guys from last night (both of whom texted me today wanting to see me again) that I have something going, so sorry, but thank you? And most importantly, how the fuck do I know he's not going to change his mind right back? Well, thank GOD I have no job and rarely hang out with anyone besides Kyle so I have all the time in the world to obsess over these things, right? Right?

Here endeth the tale of my slutty personal drama.
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Heather
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:36 pm
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Haha, I just always assume people don't like me.

As for your situation, it sounds like what is happening is called "stringing you along." Personally, I'd tell him to go fuck himself, but that may be a more aggressive tack than you would like to take. And the beer pong, etc., all I can say is...yikes. To me, at least, that sounds like the worst plan for a date ever. I'd chuck all three of these losers--it sounds like you don't have any problems meeting people--and look for somebody better. There's gotta be.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:15 pm
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Heather: You know what I like about you? You have this wonderful way of being blatantly honest and you're very articulate.

Oh, Shannon! I'm kind of jealous of your life. I kind of miss my days of boy drama, as much as I hate to admit it. I agree with Heather on dropping the beer pong guy and the guy from the bar, they both sound like no good.
As for Kyle though, I wouldn't toss him out yet. He may just be kind of thick skulled. Your situation with him reminds me a little of how things started with my current boyfriend. I was REALLY into him almost immediately, he took longer to figure out how he felt. We had only gone on a few dates and I was pretty much ready to be in a commited relationship. I brought it up to him and he basically said he wasn't quite ready for that yet. Only a few days later I was asked out by a super hot co-worker who I had been eying for months, and I didn't know what to do. I told the first guy about it, and all of the sudden he magically wanted to be my boyfriend. We've been together over 2 years now.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:21 pm
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i was thinking maybe he got jealous upon hearing you had other potential guys? got a little jealous?
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:20 pm
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I might have mentioned this before, but I proposed right after finding out that some other guys had been chasing her.

Not that Shannon is looking for that!

ps, Heather does scare me a little bit, but I still like her. Wink
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:31 pm
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bergenergy wrote:
ps, Heather does scare me a little bit, but I still like her. Wink


Twisted Evil

Honestly, y'all, I wasn't fishing for compliments or anything. But, nevertheless, thank you.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:34 pm
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Haha, it's so flattering and a little concerning that anyone here actually cares about my ridiculous boy drama.

Heather, don't think I haven't thought of that. I'm gonna be keeping an eye on him the next few times we hang out and if I don't like what I see, I'm definitely done. I've been treated pretty badly in the past with stuff like this, the upside of which is that you learn to recognize that behavior and not to take it. But it's not like no one's ever needed a day or two to think things over before, so I'm gonna start out with giving him the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't hurt that he gives good back rubs. Also hand massages, which are brilliant after I've been kickboxing.

I texted the guy from the bar to tell him I couldn't go on a second date. The other guy's leaving for the Marines tomorrow so I'm honestly probably not gonna bother because that's how I roll sometimes.

Anyway, no matter what's going on in my personal life, my plan is still the same: work on getting a job so I can save money, and stay focused at the gym so I can lose weight, and all that is hopefully building towards a move to L.A. next year. So even though this has been swallowing up my life for a few days, I'm trying to keep it peripheral in the wider scheme of things.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 12:06 am
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thegirlinthesong wrote:
Heather, don't think I haven't thought of that. I'm gonna be keeping an eye on him the next few times we hang out and if I don't like what I see, I'm definitely done. I've been treated pretty badly in the past with stuff like this, the upside of which is that you learn to recognize that behavior and not to take it. But it's not like no one's ever needed a day or two to think things over before, so I'm gonna start out with giving him the benefit of the doubt.


Well, good. I know you can look after yourself; so just, you know, look after yourself.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 3:49 am
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Unfortunately, my suspicion is growing stronger that Heather is right and I'm being strung along. (That sounds mean but I don't think it is. I mean, I don't think Heather wanted to be right. Or I least I hope she didn't.)

Whiiiiiiich means that the time has come where if he wants to hang out again, I will be putting my foot down. As I told him, I'm interested in being more than friends, and I'd like very much if we were just friends, but I won't allow myself to be toyed with. It's one thing to deal with that kind of bullshit in college, but I'm an adult and I deserve better.

Of course I'd probably still be less aggressive about it than you would, Heather, because after all, I did get really drunk on Saturday and then make out with someone else in front of him, but that doesn't make how he had been acting up to that point any less shitty...it just makes him probably less likely to want to hang out again. Heh.

Oh hey, I have to be at work in like six hours. Imagine that.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:49 am
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Last night I had a huge cup of coffee at 9pm. I'm usually fine with sleeping after caffeine, but for some reason, I was sitting around until 2am with my brain going "do do dodododod, wide awake, can't sleep, dodododod dodo do do do do!"
I watched about 2 hours of Oprah and finally crashed. Now I have to try to function at work. Ayeyiyi.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:46 pm
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thegirlinthesong wrote:
Unfortunately, my suspicion is growing stronger that Heather is right and I'm being strung along. (That sounds mean but I don't think it is. I mean, I don't think Heather wanted to be right. Or I least I hope she didn't.)

...

Of course I'd probably still be less aggressive about it than you would, Heather, because after all, I did get really drunk on Saturday and then make out with someone else in front of him, but that doesn't make how he had been acting up to that point any less shitty...it just makes him probably less likely to want to hang out again.


Of course it's not that I was hoping you were being strung along or anything. It's just what it sounded like to me from the situation you were describing. And I'm not really that aggressive! I'm just impatient, and I don't mince words, and when I'm done with someone--then I'm DONE.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:09 pm
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Totally. I'm trying to use you as a good example here, promise.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 11:06 pm
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thegirlinthesong wrote:
I'm trying to use you as a good example here


First time these words have ever been used about me.
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